It’s no longer my knee.

With each appointment the diagnosis gets clearer. Each time I enter the doctor’s room I’m always keeping my hopes high, anticipating for something good or in my case at least some improvements here and there. Yet the stark contrast is experienced and as the explanations grow in detail, what initially began as thoughts of a simple injury has morphed into a matter of huge gravity.

What started out as: 3 torn ligaments, 1 surgery needed, able to heal on its own and 9 months to recovery.
Became: 4 torn ligaments, 2 surgeries needed (potentially), might require an allograft (will talk about more later) and 1 year to full recovery.

Damage done. It can’t get any worse than this can it? You take away the ability to run and even walk from a young man who keeps such an active lifestyle is no different from asking for his life. The trauma of the accident still lingers as I recalled the incident to the doc today and deep down this pressure point of not being able to do normal ns will remain. Yes it will subside over time, but a valley it shall remain etched within me. The road to recovery is an arduous one and taking my first few steps with my right leg today was horrifying. As I raised my leg, and place it gingerly on the ground the image of the ball of my knee jutting out flashed across my face. Not just subtly but vividly. And that hindered me to want to add any weight on the leg fearing of the worst case scenario of seeing that repulsive sight of a dislocated knee again.

I couldn’t do it, I simply couldn’t.

Recovery is now a mental game. A mental test in fact.

That’s not the only mental thought that has been driving me crazy since this afternoon’s visit.
Allograft. Commonly used but still so worrying. The idea of having someone else’s ligament in you is freaky. Despite the supposed checks done to ensure it’s safe, how can anyone be fully sure? Airplanes are generally safe but yet we still have a missing plane that still can’t be found. Out of thousands of ligaments used that ain’t yours one may pass the check and be undetected for some infectious disease that it may carry. Who’s going to be responsible when that happens then. You can criticise me for my lack of confidence in our advance medical labs but mind you, any probability is a probability. Still undecided of what should be used in this scenario. Definitely did not expect my knee to require multiple reconstructions and the need to incorporate someone else’s body part. My knee is no longer truly my knee now and due to the severe damage, it can never return to be as good as my left one (unlike situations that involve a pure acl tear.)

Ultimately the same question remains: what’s my purpose for going through this nightmare, Why me?

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