Always. Always Alone.

Hi wordpress, it’s been a while. I don’t even know why I’m bothering to write this post even though I know there’s a high chance I’m gonna delete this later. But there has just been so much on my mind and so many things clouding my inner soul which I feel that no amounts of chatting or talking will be able to relieve me of this burden so I guess writing it out will be able to soothe things in some ways (but I know I’m always wrong anyways.)

I thought coming to wkw will make me write more but instead I have neglected everything. Everything I once loved to do. From writing prose to taking good pictures and coming up with creative video shoots 😦 Why why has coming to the school I thought was ideal for me stopped me from trying to express my creativity. Is it because of the inferiority complex I have when seeing other people whom are much better at the things I love doing than I am?

School has been overwheming thus far. So much work to do, readings to read, projects to discuss, meetings to go for I feel like I had so little alone time this few months to even think about why I am doing what I am doing. And as if I already do not have the charisma to connect with people, I cannot even do well for my mods. It is so so so freaking depressing that I cannot even try to be as smart as how I once was. How did I lose my ability to study well and ace my tests. HOW. WHY. HELP?

And as though school work isn’t enough, I still feel the same sorrow when having to deal with people. Just like how it was in primary, secondary school and JC. I just cannot establish that connection with people. While so many others are forming close ties, I am just there, by myself, all alone. Somehow, nobody wants to associate themselves with me, nobody wants to say that they are friends with darren. Don’t get me wrong, I have made a couple of lovely friends whom are really kind and great but it’s the one on one relationship which I once again cannot seem to build with people and that really gets to me. While friends in my own clique have that special one on one friendship, I have nothing. And before people start to hate on me and say that I am unappreciative of what I have, I can only say you do not know where did this boy come from. This boy who was once so badly ostracised, that he did not want to even leave home to go to school. This boy who made no friends in primary school. This boy who just somehow has no appeal factor good enough to make a close bond with any friend.

It just really saddens me how until now, 21 years into this thing we call life that I have no clue how this bonding thing works. I have friends, but none I feel whom really wants to even make me one of their close friends.

And to add on to the misery, while it’s nice having the feels again of fancying someone, it just sucks, sucks so bad when you are unable to do anything about it :/ and all you can do is watch from afar, hoping just hoping that that someone gives you that second of attention, just a smile that can warm you up on these hard, tiring, cold days. It’s been 2 years, 2 years before I decide that I’m ready to take on this enemy called feelings, but maybe I’m not up for this challenge, this impossible battle. Maybe I’m better left sprawling in my bed, under my duvet, alone. Cause then again, when was I never alone. Always. Have been always alone.